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Sunday, November 13, 2011

11/13/2011

Sometimes it's really hard to ignore the fact that most of the time I feel like my identity is split into several parts.

The working me; a teacher who loves kids and knowledge.

The mother me: the single mother that does what ever necessary to provide for her children, because her children are her life.

And the artistic me: the writer, author, and the imaginative person that I am.

I feel divided into who I want to be, who I should be and who I am. It really sucks. Why? Well for many reasons.

Firstly: I feel like to a certain extent the world doesn't take my art seriously. As if when I tell people that I'm an Author, they act as though they expected something else. Something better. Something supernatural. Thus, making them not take me seriously.

Secondly: It also seems as though my mind is constantly traveling to unexpected places, however, because I may be occupied with "life" at that moment, I am unable to sit and dedicate the time I'd like to my art. So, I live in a constant state of "daydream".

Thirdly: Most of the time, I feel like the person that is walking around in today's society is my representative. That the "real me" is dug deep down inside, somewhere, pounding at the walls of my soul, screaming to get out. Yet, unable to.

Fourthly: I feel like the "mommy me" is not supposed to intermingle with the "author" me. Like they are born enemies. And, the mother fights to be dedicated to her family and duties, while the author fights to let herself be known as well.

Fifth: I hate feeling like I am constantly at the wrong place, at the wrong time. Like I am always wandering off to the wrong places. As if I should be someplace else entirely.

The only time, I ever really feel like the person that I am meant to be, is when my mind get's trapped up into the places it, itself constructs. Or when I am watching movies that allow me to go to far away and distant lands. When I am reading. When I am sleeping, because I tend to dream of my stories and all those things therein. Or, when I am talking of those such things.

I truly wish that I had the ability to surround myself with like minded people. With people that saw the world in all it's magnificent glory. Full of vivid color and majesty. Full of myths and legends that may or may not be true, but either way, it doesn't matter because it's fun to dream of them anyway. I wish I could be closer surrounded by people that could appreciate my mind, and all the treasures therein. I wish I knew more people like me. That lived life with fervent passion, wanting more, desiring more, thriving to get more.

However, my life is trapped in a place that allows me not, to be the real me. Nor to accomplish my goals. But, much rather, what the world expects me to be. It is tiring. It brings down my spirits. It makes me feel like I do not belong. And, it really sucks. It's a terrible feeling, when you feel as though your life is not your own. And, even worse when you feel as though, you have no opportunity to change that.

I want more. I want to be able to put all the pieces of the puzzle that is my soul together and make it a perfect home inside of my heart. So that everyday I awaken content in the possibility at looking at the world differently today, than how I saw it yesterday. I look forward to being able to sew together all those pieces and making a whole canvas of what should be me.

When (if at all) will that happen? Please comment, if you feel the same or a similar way. It's nice to know that you are not the only alien on earth... If you know what I mean.

YC