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Tuesday, March 25, 2014

This Life is worth Living

This Life is Worth Living

Hi.  It’s Elice.  You read about how I got out of my relationship, but I know you are wondering what the breaking point was.  Amazingly enough, my breaking point had nothing to do with him putting his hands on me for the last time.

I walked upon an unfortunate event.

People tell you certain things about the person you are with.  At times, it’s hard to tell between people who genuinely have your interest at heart, and people who want to see you fail.  I decided to just sit back.  If what people were saying was indeed correct, all would be revealed.

Usually, just after my class concluded in the morning, Dedrick would swing by in his ride and we would go to the cafeteria.  I thought the practice was a bit stupid since it was in walking distance, but the habit seemed to make him happy.  I waited a few minutes, but he didn’t show.

A few females I was pals with (more like class pals—shared a class together) walked out of the building. They asked me if I was waiting on Dedrick.  I told them I was, but he hadn’t shown up.  However, I was tired of waiting.  Since their dorm building was in route with mine, they suggested that we all walk together.  I agreed because I wasn’t really that hungry.

As we got closer to the women’s dorms, one of my female friends stopped short of us crossing the street.  I was busy talking to the other female, so I hadn’t been looking ahead of me.

“Elice, isn’t that Dedrick’s car parked in front of the women’s athletic dorm?”

Everyone on campus knew Dedrick’s car.  It was one of the few that had the deeply tinted windows and decorative writing on the front windshield.

Dedrick’s car was rocking back and forth.  I walked towards the car and knocked on the glass.  The windows lowered just enough for me to notice a female mounted on top of him.  I was stunned still while objects were flying towards his car.  The girl on top was shoved aside so Dedrick could prepare a quick exit.  The passenger and he sped down the road.  One pal traveled after the car in hot pursuit while the other girl wrapped her arms around me and hugged me.

“Elice, I’m so sorry, girl.”

I nodded, but I don’t remember if I said anything after that.  I walked back to my room.  Luckily, that was my last class for the day.  I was left alone with my thoughts.

My brain became flooded.  All the abuses and what I had put up with came full circle.  All of the shame and fury hit me at once:

From Dark Scats (Broadway Style):

Un-break my heart.
Mend it with booze.
Paste it with pills;
Put me in a permanent snooze.

No more beating;
No more cheating;
I’m on a one-way ticket,
I’m leaving;
I can’t do this life shit
No more!

Toni Braxton playing in the background.

Alcohol and pills in one hand.

Was there something in the other hand?

Everything went black.

My full fledged attempt was almost successful.  I woke up in the hospital.  My throat felt absolutely raw.  I was told by the doctor that my stomach had been pumped.

“How did I get here?”

“We got a 911 call.”

Everything was foggy besides “Un-break My Heart” and the culmination of all Dedrick had put me through. Also, I knew that no one was in the room with me.  How could anyone have known to even come there?

Looking back on that, there was one part of me that still wanted to fight.  I had taken enough alcohol and medication to have killed me, yet I was brought back in the nick of time.  At times, certain emotions wipe out rationale, and you don’t fully think about how your actions could impact others.  I had been so isolated by Dedrick.  I thought I no longer had close friends because he chased them away with his threats and his tight reign over me.  Yet when I hit rock bottom, they were at my side.  I was so caught up in what I was to Dedrick that I had forgotten what my success had meant to other people.  Seeing the pain reflected in others’ eyes was a true wake-up call for me.


This Life, flaws and all, is worth living.  When Life gets ugly, a person will never know if it’s going to get better if she decides to end it permanently.  The universe has a way of handling all things, good or bad; one just has to be patient enough to see the fallout.  Whatever suffering Dedrick put upon me he has since experienced tenfold.  The darkness I went through has allowed me to appreciate life, but I would NEVER wish that darkness upon anyone.  If you even think you want to end it all, please reach out and seek help.  Don’t get caught up in what someone will think of you or become trapped in stigma; you have to do what’s best for you.  You can’t experience your best if you’re gone too soon.

My name’s Elice, and this is my testimony.

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